I just happened to glance out the window about an hour ago. You know, just a quick glance. Not a long soap opera type gaze. Just a quickie. Something caught my eye. A little brown critter with two little ears. No, not the sweet little bunnies I saw yesterday. Quite the opposite. An armadillo. Uck. If dinosaurs are extinct why did God totally clean house and destroy these wretched beings.
Side story…We saw one last weekend. Jack approached it with a golf club and shot gun. Not sure what the plan was but the little demon ran away so Jack didn’t have a chance to take a shot (with either weapon).
Back to today….Soooo, of course when I see the little beast in the yard I begin madly texting Jack ridiculous sayings such as “Which golf club is best for killing?” And “Oh my goodness its walking towards our bar, what do armadillos drink?”
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: we have an outdoor bar, you should really come over and have a beverage sometime.
Okay, so here is where the story gets juicy. I then saw TWO of the little orcs so it was clearly high time to stop being a wall flower and take this issue into my own hands. So I walked out into the back yard. Yep, I sure did. I just walked on out there. They ran away. BUT THATS NOT THE END OF THE STORY. Oh no ma’am!
I walked over to our precious koi pond. Site of our engagement. Home to our 14 sweet little children (all named and deeply loved).
Dramatic pause in combination with dreamy look out of a window…
THERE WAS A RACCOON IN THE POND. I’m not kidding. It wasn’t doing the back stroke or the breast stroke…it was drowning. Well, I couldnt text this to Jack. I had to call him and scream wildly into the photo about the biggest raccoon ever known to man in our pond, clearly about to dine on our babies promptly before it reaches a watery death. The man gives me all this practical advice. More screaming from me. More calmness and practicality from the man. The phone call ended with me repeating, “I’m scared, I’m scared, I am going to get a neighbor.”
The neighbors either weren’t home or weren’t answering. Have I mentioned I no longer shower consistently…could be a correlation here. ANyways, the story continues as I give up on the neighbors and go back to the yard to see the raccoon is not in the pond. He’s just gotten out, is shaking off when an ARMADILLO runs right in front of it. OH DEAR LORD its the Nature Channel in high-def! The raccoon hisses and chases the orc-like armadillo.
I have to call Jack again and explain that it just wasnt safe for me to be at home alone and Atlanta just didnt have these types of beasts and the mall would be a much safer place for me form now on.
More practical advice from man. I ignored it. Instead I threw horseshoes at the raccoon who was now trying to get back into the pond. They are now in the bottom of the pond. Screamed at it to go away. Threatened to kill it. And then went inside.
End of story.
Okay there were more details but at risk of you thinking I am complete crazy woman they have been omitted to protect my street cred.
Whew. I need a drink. With the Armadillo.